It has occurred to me lately that I am more of a perfectionist than I would like to think. I already knew that I am very particular about colors and artistic projects and music, but not much else. I realized early on that during crafty activities at school and camps, I always felt inferior to others because they could accomplish a vision that I could not. I was never satisfied with what I could do because I wasn’t willing to take the time to learn how to achieve a certain skill. As I got older and started making poster boards and presentations I was always very picky about what things went where. The confidence level increased hugely, but partly because no body else in all of the high schools ever seemed to care about their posters, aka, mine was always neater and nicer. For most of my life I was too sick or tired or just plain lazy (but mostly sick and tired) to try anything new. Cooking was another world and sports were too hard. My room was always messy because I didn’t have the energy to clean it.
8 months ago, life flipped and sent me to a very new world of health, energy, passion and excitement. Slowly I became stronger, slowly I began to have energy, slowly it became possible to run up a flight of stairs without even breathing any more at the top than at the bottom. Slowly I have begun to experiment with life.
Great, right? Most of the time I love who I am becoming. I love being able to run, I love being able to eat healthy, I love being excited about what God is doing in my life, I love my friends, I love my job, I love my family and I love to try new things. Most of the time, it’s easy and natural for this new person to grow.
Turns out though, that sometimes it’s really hard. Now that I have energy, I expect myself to be able to do all these crazy things and to be able to do them really well. How is that rational? How? Seriously.
Amy and I did the Grouse Grind a couple of weeks ago and as awesome as it was, I was bummed that my time wasn’t under an hour. Because obviously 1 hour and 15 minutes is not good enough when last year you could barely even make it up a flight of stairs. Last weekend, I picked up a tennis racket for what was probably the first time in my life, voluntarily. Overhand serving is fun, but I found myself frustrated when I could only get it in the court 2/5 times. 2/5 times is way better than never. We played soccer and I got mad because I can’t kick the ball properly. I didn’t go running this week because I was too sore from biking on Monday then was just too tired the other days so today I walked around feeling guilty. And as I am sitting here typing this pity-party for myself, I have a cake failing miserably in the oven and an ‘interesting’ pan of brownies on the stove. The kitchen is a disaster and I am trying to tell that stupid voice in my head that it doesn’t matter if they failed, I still tried and that’s more than I did before. You have a cake in the oven and brownies on the stove and a capable body to clean up the mess! Who cares if they’re funky, ya still tried, Alicia.
I am tired of comparisons and unnecessary perfectionism. I am a million times better than before. I am blessed, I am loved no matter what, I am trying and you can’t get better if you doing fail. I think that’s my lesson for right now. God has a plan for me and I bet he’s just saving the blessing of ‘knowing how to make a perfect grain-free, dairy-free, egg-free, sugar-free, chocolate cake’ for another day.