The realization that one is utterly dependent on others is an terrifying yet incredibly freeing revelation.
I’ve been leading up to this realization slowly for the past months, but today it finally registered. I can have all the passion, energy, excitement and enthusiasm, dedication, commitment, strength and ability in the world but if I am not looking to others for support, I cannot do anything. Does this make sense? It works in my brain. I CAN do it on my own, but for it to succeed, I need guidance. I have my opinions and ideals, but un-checked they can sometimes to more harm then good. Man, that’s hard to learn. Buuutt, I’m learning it. Slowly.
I am learning in so many ways. I am learning to cook, to clean, to stay organized. To appreciate people, to encourage, to let go of my expectations. Most of all I am learning to praise. To the one who sits upon the throne, be blessing and honor and glory and power forever. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I will forever be unable to change even the smallest thing without his strength and power. nope, it’s been made pretty clear lately that I suck. I am learning that I am incapable. I am learning that I will fail, and that others too will fail me. I am learning that he never will.
I am learning to be fully dependent on the hands that bled, died and rose again for me.
I write that and think… pfff, no. Really? Alicia, you are too inconstant in your faith to truthfully say that you are dependent on him. Well.. I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be. I am constantly looking for affirmation in everything BUT Jesus. But I am learning. And so, so so thankful.
I am thankful for redemption, grace, mercy, forgiveness, compassion and the opportunity to try again. I am thankful for friends, I am thankful for family, I am thankful for Ben. I am thankful for Grandma’s who buy you organic, free run eggs because she knows that those qualifications are important to you. I am thankful for lunch, even if I over cook the two best parts of it. I am thankful that my first attempt to cook asparagus and poach eggs was still palatable.